I am in a transition phase like never before. stuff is popping up into my head.

 

today

remember a time when i was maybe 10-12 i am hanging with mom and there is regular chore stuff going on.  mom is talking about normal stuff. then the topic shifted to my existence.  pop wanted a boy but mom was happy with the things the way they were and she didn't want to have _____ (forgot what that was). (kid?)  i came along cause she wanted to make pop happy but she paid a price.  implication was a loss of the good life without me around.

why would that message come into my head today?  what kind of decision might a kid make from that.  no drama just a run of the mill decision. 

the one that started things off is the intense frustration of not knowing what to do while taking a beating.
been in an article 81 proceeding for 10 years.  the government is taking the money but talking like they care but their results negate their lie.  like all good moves i make are stopped because "i can't have money"   i felt it and the instant i felt it i remembered being about 5or 6 or 4 adn i had my empty bottle money and pop took it from me and gave me a verbal beating about the heart that i don't know what to do with money and he is taking from me for my own good.
"i Can't Have Money"

since that BAM i haven't been able to experience the same intense feeling of "i can't have money" but i believe that belief is in my somehwere somehow.  want to erase it.  the reality i create with that belief is causeing me lots of problems.