From: Bill Rundans
To:
Sent: Wed, Nov 30, 2011 12:42 am
Subject: called teresi's office yesterday morning. i was out of my mind with worry anxiety and panic. better now.
his secretary phyllis is the mom i always wanted for myself.
gentle and loving.
christ, to have a woman in my life who is a lover and that gentle and loving in a funky sexy way would be a blessing too but then i am on sick puppy. did i ever tell you that i coulda been a genius except that sex got in the way of that? in my mind i am discerning but when i have a choice between saying yes to someone who wants to get laid tonight and a date where i could start a relationship...i have always chosen the path to get laid right now.
she calmed me down.
judge is out of office working his job in other counties. who know? !
couple of nights ago i was up all night. litterally. first time it was with energy. different kind of twisted mental state. something new. the last three years it is like. body is in the toilet, exhausted, but the mind isn't shutting down. like a zombie. i don't think heroin can mess me up as bad as my mind was trying to kill my body.
where was my mind, a few nights ago??
"another corrupt judge that is ignoring the crisis situation and the legal lawyer guardian he appointed is going to drag out the estate process to suck out the last 70 large. maybe i am lucky to get the house. if i get the house then = $400/mo for the last 11 years. insane."
my thinking was wrong. he isn't ignoring me he is working his job some other town and hasn't read my second letter.
man he got lucky with the phyllis woman. (by default - me too!) a kind word when your taking a beating is like a couple of ounces of water to a man dying of thirst. you kinda fall intothe phyllis category of relief because someone understands and cares enough to listen. so far everyone in the judge's office, that i have met, is a dickhead.
clarity. only met his law clerk. punk w a SWAT team behind him. but then if i had a SWAT team to back up my bullshit i would probably be a bigger dick than him! :-)
Benza's office. he was the big dickhead. visceral crook. shook me down for a payday thru william toomey (my lawyer) i didn't see a reason to payoff since i wasn't trying to get out of jail for breaking the law. WRONG. no payoff? then a 6 mo procedure goes 5years! hm. now that i am re reading this for spelling errors i think. maybe benza didn't know? maybe toomey and the lawyer's on mom's team decided to end it properly but get some money for doing the right thing. so toomey gives me the message and i didn't see it as such back then,...so they got together to earn the "payoff" fee by dragging out the process and screwing the family up. fuck the kid. he's too stupid to pay us off? then fuck him. that was my attitude when i couldn't get out of viet nam duty. i went underground and when i robbed a bank with a pen i just said "fuck them if they can't give me a break"
giving u some feedback when i am feeling better. slept from tiredness. i cheated and took some benadryl tablets. i can get the 6 hours like regular now. somenights i score with 7 but haven't had a 8 hour rest since 09. then there are the insane nights where there is no sleep. the meds the md was giving me no longer worked. i only got one night of sleep in 5 days with a pill. worked only one night then i had to lay off for 5 before it would work again but the laying off days were hell.
i think mom is closer to dying. got a email from the relatives that they want instructions for how to process her once she dies. the details. so that means she is close to checking out. i saw her as dying way back in 08. that is when my sleep problems began.
i already sent them 600 for the cost of the reception and now i am sending money for the funeral part. too bad there isn't a me for me when my time comes. hopefully i walk and fall down dead. this keeping someone alive is crap.
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